New Years Knee

Playing footie 6 weeks ago something rather unusual happened. No, it was not that I was playing well, that seldom happens. Even when I do and manage to score a goal it’s very similar to Burty…..a freak of nature and just doesn’t look right. The last goal I think I scored was with my eye!! I was intending to score it with my head but it appears that I miss-judged the dip on the ball from the corner and quite effectively eyed it into the net. Fortunately I did blink just before contact, avoiding a most unpleasant scene that no doubt would’ve included some blood, lots of screaming, some frozen peas and an unconnected eye ball.

The unusual incident was actually a new break dance move that I tried to pull off whilst stretching for the ball. It’s gone down in history as “Huxsted Robotics”. For those of you who wish to learn it’s really quite simple. All you need to do is firmly plant your foot into ground (preferably whilst sprinting at full speed), once your foot is cemented into the ground, keep the lower half of your leg completely still, now, attempt to turn the entire top half of your body 360 degrees. It’s by no means a pleasant, painless move but I think the rewards speak for itself. The words “oh my god” and “shit, that’s not good” uttered by my fellow players was worth their weight in gold. For a brief moment, everyone stopped and looked in awe at the utterly ridiculous move I had just pulled off. Then the screaming began…….

After leaving the injury for 6 weeks in the hope that at night the “knee fairies” would tip-toe into my room and fix my twisted, deformed knee, I reluctantly booked an appointment with a doctor. His exact words were “there’s something wrong there, I think you should see a specialist and get an MRI scan”. I thanked him very much for his informed diagnosis and commented that his parents must be very proud that his 5 years of medical school were not in vain. I warmly shook him by the hand as I paid my $50 and told him that it was money well spent. Not at all a complete and utter waste of time and I hope that he continues to give such sound and relevant advice to all of his patients!!!!

Which leads me to my excruciating experience at specialist. As I arrived he took a look at my knee and his exact words were “hmmmm, I think you need an MRI scan there”. I thanked him very much for his informed diagnosis and commented that his parents must be very proud that his 7 years of medical school were not in vain. I warmly shook him by the hand as I paid my $150 and told him that it was money well spent. Not at all a complete and utter waste of time and I hope that he continues to give such sound and relevant advice to all of his f*#@”$ patients!!!!

To add insult to an already painful injury he insisted on showing me how and why my leg didn’t work properly. This began with a test on my good, right leg in order for a comparison. When we got to my left, damaged leg he thought it necessary to show me several times what the difference was.

“Your left left doesn’t snap back into place, quite unlike the right one, like this”

“Ow”

“You see”

“Ow”

“It’s a bit more reluctant to do it”

“Ow”

“One more time”

“Ow”

“I think you need an MRI scan, we don’t want to damage it any more”

“Ow”

Dragging my recently swollen leg out of the hospital I vowed that when fully fit I would return to this hospital, I would walk back up to the office of this so called specialist, tie a baby squid to a very long broom handle and repeatedly slap him across the face!

I will keep you posted (not that any of you care) as to the results of the MRI scan, however I do have a suspicion that the MRI scanning machine will be working perfectly until it is directly over my knee cap, upon which it will collapse and crush my entire left leg, leaving it solely suitable for the rather mundane tasks of excluding drafts and showing which direction the wind is blowing at major airports!